new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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