Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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