this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
