I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
These tits shall not be calmed
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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