The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
pop tarts are not kleenex
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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