I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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