I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Everclear isn't food dammit
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
