Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
