why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
