I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
