You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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