so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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