When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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