he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
