just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
