I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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