So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
