It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
