You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
