i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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