I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
