Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
