I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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