I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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