I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
