I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
