I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
