A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
