it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
