I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
