She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Is Oprah even human
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
