My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
