I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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