Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
