Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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