i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
