Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
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