just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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