I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
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A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
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Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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