i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
