Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
