i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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