new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
