Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
