So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize