before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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