maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
