This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
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the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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