I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Randomize
