On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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