how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
