I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
