I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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