ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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