Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
