Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
