I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
