she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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