Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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