I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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